“How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so we can do the work?”
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of being honest & self-aware about our intentions in introducing a partner to personal development work
navigating anxious attachment tendencies around the saviour complex, over-functioning and taking responsibility for what's not ours
why "the work" might look different for everyone
how to approach conversations about relational growth in a productive, balanced & healthy way
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
0:00:28.49 → 0:01:04.43
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm going to be answering the question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? So this is a question that I answered on my Instagram stories earlier in the week and that a lot of people responded to and related to. And so I wanted to unpack it here and dive in in greater detail because obviously my ability to address the nuances of that question are somewhat limited in a 1 minute Instagram story.
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So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which is on Attachment is like a shining lighthouse in the middle of a dark storm. Stephanie's not only opened my eyes to attachment theory and helped me learn about myself, but has also provided me guidance and clarity at times when my mind is racing about my relationship. Stephanie's voice is so soothing and easy to listen to, it could be on a meditation app. Stephanie structures her podcast in parts that are easy to follow, and her explanations are easy to comprehend.
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Thank you, Stephanie. You've been my guiding light on my journey to becoming secure. Thank you so much for that beautiful and very poetic review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice and for anyone else listening. If you haven't left a review before, I would so appreciate if you could take a minute or so to do that on Apple podcasts.
0:02:02.97 → 0:02:56.04
It is a huge help, and I have to say I've received so many beautiful reviews recently that I've really been spoiled for choice in selecting one to read out. And if I haven't read yours out, but you have left a review, please know that I've read every single one, and I really am so appreciative and touched by all of them. They're very humbling, and I feel very grateful for you. The other quick announcement is, just to let you know, in case you didn't hear earlier in the week, I've created a new Instagram account for the podcast so you can find it on Attachment. This is a place where you can get more podcast content if you really love the show and you want to see more of it in your feed, exclusive videos and stuff like that, it would be a huge help to me if you could follow along and share it with the people in your life and your community.
0:02:56.57 → 0:03:40.74
It all helps in getting the word out and helping the podcast continue to grow. Okay, so let's dive into this somewhat complicated, multilayered, messy question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? There are a few parts and pieces to this and I want to do it justice. I think the starting point is that we really need to tread carefully here. And I don't mean that in the sense of tiptoeing around someone's sensitivities, I mean in the sense of having a lot of honesty and self awareness around our motivation for doing that.
0:03:41.67 → 0:04:22.88
A tendency that I observe in a lot of anxiously attached people and that I'm 100% guilty of myself. And I really need to, even now, monitor in myself is the tendency to kind of overfunction and take responsibility for other people's work, for other people's emotional experience and almost to think that I know more about their experience. Than they do and that I know what they need more than they know what they need. And to try and almost take care of that for them. And that's a really easy place to go for a lot of anxious people, but it also costs you a lot.
0:04:23.43 --> 0:05:57.72
So I think that I've spoken many times before about the saviour complex that streak in anxious people, that gravitates towards people who they see as needing their help in some way, making someone their project and thinking that particularly with more avoidant partners, I think anxious people tend to view them as emotionally underdeveloped, as needing nurturance. And so anxious people can self appoint in that way as the therapist, coach, mentor, almost nurture a figure for their avoidant partners in doing the work of becoming more secure and feeling more safe in relationships. And while I think there can be pure intention behind that, I think there can also be a shadow side to it. I think there can be aspects of it that are maybe selfserving, that are maybe controlling, that are maybe manipulative, that are maybe pretty critical of the person as they are today and really feeling like you need to turn them into someone other than who they are in order for them to be acceptable, in order for you to have this relationship. And so I think there can be a real tendency to hold on to the idea of who someone could
0:05:57.74 → 0:05:59.92
be rather than the person that they are.
0:06:00.61 → 0:07:57.08
And I think that when we have that dynamic in a relationship, it's not really helpful for anyone, because the person on the receiving end of it feels that they feel that rejection, they feel that criticism, they feel that disapproval from their partner, even if their partner means well and wants the relationship to grow into something that feels healthier and more connected. Oftentimes from the avoidant perspective, knowing what we do about avoidant attachment, that for many avoidant people, there is a lot of woundedness and sensitivity around feeling defective in some way or feeling like a failure, feeling like nothing they do is good enough. And so when they're having this kind of energy of you need to change in order for our relationship to work, that's oftentimes going to strike a nerve for an avoidant person that's going to really go to the heart of a lot of their deepest insecurities and so might elicit quite a big protective, defensive response.
I think another thing I'd say here is even if your personal view, approach perspective is not one that villainizes avoidant people and I hope that that's the case that's really important in the approach that I teach and the messaging of my work. The reality is that a lot of content out there does villainize avoidant people and does really paint them as the problem, as the bad character, as selfish, as narcissistic, as cold, all of these very charged and judgmental words and associations that are there.
0:07:57.85 → 0:09:01.36
Earlier this week I saw a very popular large Instagram account with over a million followers refer to avoidant people as dangerous, which I just thought was incredible that that could be put out there for so many people to consume. But the reality is when that's kind of the tone of the conversation in a lot of these mainstream spaces, is it any surprise that you going to your partner and saying you're avoidant and we need to do something about it that's going to come with the weight of all of those conversations. So even if that's not your intention, let's just be mindful of the fact that that is a common conception misconception, I would say, around avoidant people. And so it's kind of understandable and natural that someone might push back against that and not really be receptive to you whacking that label on them. So those are just a few things to bear in mind to reframe what might feel like frustration on your side.
0:09:01.43 → 0:10:06.35
If you do have a more avoidant leaning partner and you do want to be able to talk to them about attachment and the dynamics that exist in your relationship and where there might be scope for growth. Just be mindful of that backdrop, both for your own sake in terms of where it's coming from in you and what it might cost you and your system to take on that job of overfunctioning responsibility, taking nurturer, coach, therapist, and also what it must feel like for them to be on the receiving end of that. In the context of all of the stuff that we know gets discussed about avoidance attachment that is not very favourable or compassionate. With all of that being said, I want to make really clear that I'm not suggesting that that means you just need to kind of suck it up and not have any expectations. Not talk to your partner about dynamics in your relationship that might not be working very well, that you're not allowed to talk about growth with them.
0:10:06.50 → 0:10:43.51
That's certainly not what I'm saying. I think we just need to be mindful of how we approach those conversations. And a few tips that I'd offer you, don't be too attached to, pardon the pun, the labels of it or the way that the work needs to look. So even though attachment theory might really resonate with you and you might love doing online courses and you might want to follow all the instagram accounts and stuff, that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, that doesn't mean that they don't care about growing together. It just might look different to you.
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And I think we need to have some open mindedness and flexibility, because if we're looking for them to be behaving exactly as we would again, that's just a little bit self centred and it's a little bit controlling, in that we're trying to define what their journey should look like by reference to what we think our journey should look like. So allowing someone to walk their own path while still hopefully being able to have conversations around things that might not be working or things that could use improvement. Another thing that I think is really important and helpful is to frame it as an us thing rather than a them thing. So it's not like you're avoidant and you need to go read all of the books and stop being so avoidant because your avoidance is the problem here. Again, that's an attack and it's going to elicit defensiveness that is just very reliable.
0:11:40.00 → 0:12:12.76
And I'm sure that if you were getting that kind of energy from them, you'd get defensive as well. So I think that rather than me versus you, anxious versus avoidant or whatever, it's like, oh, there are some things between us where we get stuck. I've noticed that we get into these patterns. Would you be open to us talking about ways we might be able to navigate that better so that we can avoid having these big ineffective fights? Because I can assure you that your avoidant partner doesn't like those cycles either.
0:12:13.21 → 0:13:06.37
They don't like, you know, those big emotional upsets and ruptures and then the ineffective repair conversations that drag on for 2 hours. I promise you that that's not what they want either. So I think the more that you can frame it as us against the problem rather than me against you, that's going to be a much more palatable entry point into a conversation for anyone. But certainly for an avoidant partner, I think another thing you can do is lead with your own acknowledgment of your stuff, right? Because again, I think there is a tendency for anxious people to go you have this thing, there's a name for what you are and here are all of the problems with that, here are all the behavioural manifestations of it and here's what you need to do about it.
0:13:06.57 → 0:13:24.49
I think if you can go, I'm totally guilty of this. This is who I am. I notice a lot of myself in these patterns and that drives all of these behaviours in me. And I totally recognise that that must be kind of challenging for you and I'm really sorry for that. I'm going to work on it.
0:13:24.69 → 0:14:21.26
Take responsibility for your side of the street and kind of lead by example there, because I think the more you can do that again, it reinforces that it's not you on your high horse, diagnosing them with some sort of defect and telling them that they need to change or else no one's going to respond well to that. So I think that the more that you can implement those things and go into any conversation with kind of clean intentions and clean energy, I think that will serve you in really good stead. So, just to sum up, it's not about never approaching conversations with an avoidant partner about change or growth. I would never suggest that my partner leans avoidant and we do a lot of growth work on an ongoing basis. So it's not to say that you just can't touch that.
0:14:21.39 → 0:15:04.23
It's just being really mindful of the way that you approach it, for your own sake, for their sake, for the sake of your relationship. Because just telling them that they're avoidant and then expecting them to walk the same path and trajectory as you might in your own process of becoming more secure and shifting patterns can veer very quickly into that overfunctioning responsibility, taking controlling territory, and that tends not to end well. So I hope that that's been helpful and has given you some food for thought, some things to reflect upon. And if you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating and a review. I really appreciate it so much.
0:15:04.32 → 0:15:20.10
And just another reminder to follow along on Instagram, the new account at On Attachment. All of that is linked in the show notes. Okay, guys, thanks so much for joining me. I will see you again next week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
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If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can follow me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.